Children do not come with instructions and in many ways, they are not “user friendly”. However, as parents we become experts in our children. We know when they are tired, when they are hungry, when they have had a great day or a not so great day. If someone were to blindfold us, we would be able to identify our children with our sense of smell. But what happens when that child turns into someone unknowable during the teenage years. They become sullen and quiet. They shut the door to communication. I promise you, that your sweet child is still there and that they still love you. Remember how you used to count to 5 when your child was a toddler? It works the same with teens and tweens. Remain calm if they are outbursting and remind yourself that their anger is most likely fear. Remember that if this anger feels directly aimed at you, it’s because they know that you will always love them unconditionally.Adolescence brings a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism. Do you remember incessantly looking at yourself in the mirror as a teenager? You were noting all your faults--a new pimple, a crooked nose, hair that refused to look like everyone else’s. Add Instagram, Snap Chat, YouTube and TikTok where everyone looks beautiful and is having the time of their life...and those feelings of inadequacy are multiplied. Social media is the center of a teenager’s life but often it becomes a huge stressor. It is how teenagers stay connected, but it puts pressure to live an untenable (and false) life. As parents, we constantly reinforce our child’s inner and outer beauty. However, at this age the response is “You have to say that. You’re my mom”. Keep saying it. Write it on notes on the bathroom mirror, carve it in their morning toast, wear it on a t-shirt, shout it from the rooftop. This will most likely annoy your teenager, but it also reinforces your love and their priceless worth.If feelings of anger and self-doubt seem out of the norm, try to listen to what is underlying the words that your teen is saying and especially what they are not saying. When things settle, let them know that you are there for them but keep your expectations low. They will share when they are ready. However, if they are not comfortable sharing with you, we at Breakthroughs are here to help bridge the gap.Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor
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