BIG Grief

Why is the sky blue, mommy?

Why was I not chosen for the team, dad?

Why did my parents get divorced?

Why did my dog have to die?

The “why” questions of life never seem to come with easy answers. Let’s be honest. Those questions are hard to answer because most of the time, even WE don’t know why.

As adults, the same questions are twirling around in the funnel cloud of our brains.

We all search for understanding; for ourselves, for others, and especially for our children.

But what happens when a person has limited understanding – a person with special needs?

My friend Noah lost someone very dear a few weeks ago.

He became angry and belligerent.

His obsessive/compulsive behaviors increased.

He became hyper-focused on schedules and routine.

When Noah was asked, tell me what you are feeling, his response was, “I have big grief.”

BIG. GRIEF. Wow, what a great way to explain the feeling of loss. 

I, too, have had big grief. And as hard as it was, and still is, I have natural coping skills that kick in and help me continue my daily work and routines.

My friend’s brain does not have that natural ability.

Similarly, the brains of children and adolescents have not fully developed, and have not learned the coping mechanisms that an adult brain has learned through past experiences and time.

What are some ways we can help children and those with special needs deal with BIG GRIEF?

• Be patient with unexpected outburst. Remain calm and give them time and space. 
• Allow for choices. Rather than: “Put this shirt on.” Try: “Would you like to wear the brown or the green shirt?” Rather than: “Brush your teeth now.” Try: “Would you like to brush your teeth now, or wait until bedtime?” 
• Spend one-on-one time with them doing something they enjoy. Go for ice cream or read a book together.
•  Talk to them on their level, and only when they (and their environment) are calm. Refrain from trying to rationalize or explain when things are chaotic. 
• Use art. Draw/paint feelings and emotions using different materials. Talk about the drawings.
• Refrain from correcting words they use when describing feelings. (Even if it is a word you don’t normally allow them to say.) 
• Remind them, more than usual, of your love. Remind them you are here.

There are many other ways to show love and support to your littles, and to those with special needs, but hopefully these will get you started when you are working through BIG GRIEF.

Marty Edwards, LMFT

www.breakthroughsnf.com