Don't Throw Me a Parenting Parade

When you hold your beautiful newborn in your arms, you revel in the love that rushes through your veins. You promise to do your very best for your baby. Fast-forward 5 years. Your child is streaking through your house like a maniac, screaming at the top of his lungs while deftly tossing Legos at the dog. You have just worked an 8 hour day, stopped at the dry cleaners, went to get your child from childcare, managed to put something on the table somewhat resembling a meal and now you are dealing with an irate and irrational 5 year old. Your first thought is to hand your child the iPad, grab yourself a bottle of Pinot Grigio (without a glass), flop on the couch and try not to cry. Your second thought is to yell, “I am counting to 5 and you better be in your room or no electronics for the rest of your life”.

Instead of doing either of these, you take a deep breath and acknowledge your child’s emotional state. Look at your child and try to see what his or her behavior is telling you. Perhaps they are overstimulated by something that happened during the day or that they have a stomachache. Or maybe they are drained simply because it’s hard being so new to the world.

I vividly recall an incident that I thought warranted a “parenting parade.” Or a trophy of some type, at least. I was at a supermarket with my then 3 ½ year old daughter. We were having friends over for dinner and I had to grab a few last items. At the end of the cookie isle was a colorful display reading “Halloween Oreos.” My super observant daughter whined that she wanted them. I told her “maybe another time”. She whined for them again. I again said “no” and power walked to the dairy section. My insistent daughter would not let it go. I said “no” emphatically again and this seemed to egg her on. That was all it took. Game on. She started crying and whining simultaneously. I was not going to give in. With a shopping cart of groceries, I told her that we were going to leave if she did not stop. She didn’t stop. Leaving my semi-full cart, I picked her out of the front of the cart seat. Her face was as red as her hair and I carried her out of the store, kicking and screaming. I managed to get to my SUV without dropping her, unlocked the car and put her in her car seat (This was no small feat because she assumed that straight-line back position that only a young toddler can achieve when they don’t want to get into their car seat). I leaned against the car, proud that I did not give in and made good on the consequences of her actions.

Knowing what I know now, I realize that this was not A+ parenting. It was a B-, at best. Yes, I did not give in but I did not think about the underlying cause of her tantrum (other than a possible burgeoning addiction to orange food dye.) She was tired and she missed me. She didn’t want to be tethered to a shopping cart, she wanted to be home. With me. In an environment where she is loved fiercely. What should I have done? When we got to the cookie display and she asked for a package, I should have said, “No. But we can make cookies together tomorrow”. I should have left the store and just ordered pizza for my friends. I should have taken her point of view. To this day, making cookies with my daughter is one of the greatest blessings of my life.

As most adults understand, parenting is difficult. It is beautiful. It is life sustaining and exhausting at the same time. There are no words to describe the love we have for our children. It’s a love that is too big for words. Remember that your child does not have a lot of experience being on this earth, and it’s your job to make sure that they are guided with love and understanding. So after you reunite with your child after several hours apart, read a book together, make a mess in the kitchen, ask Alexa to put on some music and dance like a crazy person with the love of your life.

Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

www.breakthroughsnf.com

BIG Grief

Why is the sky blue, mommy?

Why was I not chosen for the team, dad?

Why did my parents get divorced?

Why did my dog have to die?

The “why” questions of life never seem to come with easy answers. Let’s be honest. Those questions are hard to answer because most of the time, even WE don’t know why.

As adults, the same questions are twirling around in the funnel cloud of our brains.

We all search for understanding; for ourselves, for others, and especially for our children.

But what happens when a person has limited understanding – a person with special needs?

My friend Noah lost someone very dear a few weeks ago.

He became angry and belligerent.

His obsessive/compulsive behaviors increased.

He became hyper-focused on schedules and routine.

When Noah was asked, tell me what you are feeling, his response was, “I have big grief.”

BIG. GRIEF. Wow, what a great way to explain the feeling of loss. 

I, too, have had big grief. And as hard as it was, and still is, I have natural coping skills that kick in and help me continue my daily work and routines.

My friend’s brain does not have that natural ability.

Similarly, the brains of children and adolescents have not fully developed, and have not learned the coping mechanisms that an adult brain has learned through past experiences and time.

What are some ways we can help children and those with special needs deal with BIG GRIEF?

• Be patient with unexpected outburst. Remain calm and give them time and space. 
• Allow for choices. Rather than: “Put this shirt on.” Try: “Would you like to wear the brown or the green shirt?” Rather than: “Brush your teeth now.” Try: “Would you like to brush your teeth now, or wait until bedtime?” 
• Spend one-on-one time with them doing something they enjoy. Go for ice cream or read a book together.
•  Talk to them on their level, and only when they (and their environment) are calm. Refrain from trying to rationalize or explain when things are chaotic. 
• Use art. Draw/paint feelings and emotions using different materials. Talk about the drawings.
• Refrain from correcting words they use when describing feelings. (Even if it is a word you don’t normally allow them to say.) 
• Remind them, more than usual, of your love. Remind them you are here.

There are many other ways to show love and support to your littles, and to those with special needs, but hopefully these will get you started when you are working through BIG GRIEF.

Marty Edwards, LMFT

www.breakthroughsnf.com

Children Do Not Come with Instructions...

Children do not come with instructions and in many ways, they are not “user friendly”. However, as parents we become experts in our children. We know when they are tired, when they are hungry, when they have had a great day or a not so great day. If someone were to blindfold us, we would be able to identify our children with our sense of smell. But what happens when that child turns into someone unknowable during the teenage years. They become sullen and quiet. They shut the door to communication. I promise you, that your sweet child is still there and that they still love you. Remember how you used to count to 5 when your child was a toddler? It works the same with teens and tweens. Remain calm if they are outbursting and remind yourself that their anger is most likely fear. Remember that if this anger feels directly aimed at you, it’s because they know that you will always love them unconditionally.Adolescence brings a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism. Do you remember incessantly looking at yourself in the mirror as a teenager? You were noting all your faults--a new pimple, a crooked nose, hair that refused to look like everyone else’s. Add Instagram, Snap Chat, YouTube and TikTok where everyone looks beautiful and is having the time of their life...and those feelings of inadequacy are multiplied. Social media is the center of a teenager’s life but often it becomes a huge stressor. It is how teenagers stay connected, but it puts pressure to live an untenable (and false) life. As parents, we constantly reinforce our child’s inner and outer beauty. However, at this age the response is “You have to say that. You’re my mom”. Keep saying it. Write it on notes on the bathroom mirror, carve it in their morning toast, wear it on a t-shirt, shout it from the rooftop. This will most likely annoy your teenager, but it also reinforces your love and their priceless worth.If feelings of anger and self-doubt seem out of the norm, try to listen to what is underlying the words that your teen is saying and especially what they are not saying. When things settle, let them know that you are there for them but keep your expectations low. They will share when they are ready. However, if they are not comfortable sharing with you, we at Breakthroughs are here to help bridge the gap.

Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

www.breakthroughsnf.com