Softened Startup

“You never help me around the house! All you do is watch tv or look at your phone when I’m trying to keep up with everything around here! You’re so lazy!” 

Does this sound like an argument that you’ve had with your spouse? Or perhaps you’ve experienced a quarrel like this? How well did it go?

Doctors John and Julie Gottman are clinicians, researchers, authors, and teachers who have been studying relationships and marriages since the 1970s. Their research can help resolve conflicts within a relationship.

The first three minutes of a conflict discussion determine how that conversation will end 94% of the time. Did you know that women play an integral role in the way conflict is handled? This is because women bring up issues 80% of the time in relationships. When an issue is brought up, it needs to be a specific complaint and it should be about you (think I-Statements). For example, “I need help getting the house ready for the party tonight, can you please sweep the floors?” What research really shows is that when women bring up a conflict discussion in a gentle way, then men are more receptive to responding positively. Think about it this way, if someone approaches you with an issue in a very demanding and critical way, how do you think you will likely respond? You’d probably come up with some defense for yourself, right? How would you bring up an issue with an employee or coworker? This is what the Gottmans call “Softened Startup.” 

While women are responsible for providing a softened startup, men also play an important role in making sure the discussion goes well. Men are accountable for what is called “Accepting Influence” this is a give-and-take of wants and needs (akin to compromise). This means yielding on some things that you can yield on, while standing your ground on things you can’t, as well as trying to maintain common ground. Why is it so important that men accept influence? Because women accept influence at a much higher rate than men do. In fact, research has shown that when women don’t accept influence, there really is no effect on the relationship. However, when men reject influence, it can have lasting impacts on the relationship.

The next time you have an issue, give Softened Startup a try. Remember to avoid blaming and all-or-nothing statements by using an I-Statement, make a specific request and be willing to compromise.    

Megan Atwood, LMFT

www.breakthroughsnf.com   

                       

                                                                                                           

Reference: 

Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (n.d.). Level 1Clinical Training Gottman Method Couples

Therapy. The Gottman Institute.

Dear Human,

  I wanted to take a moment to tell you that I am thinking of you as you go through this COVID-19 Pandemic. This is truly an unusual time in our history. We are all walking in uncharted territory, and for most of us, we are having to navigate this territory not only in one role, but in many. For myself, I am walking through this for the first time as a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher, therapist, and business owner. I must wear different hats for each of those roles, and man, let me tell you, that’s a lot of hats! I wrestle with many different questions throughout the night and on into the day. How do I talk to my children and grandchildren with truth, and yet not scare them? How can I still be a good daughter without going to see my mom and take care of her when she is sick? How can I go out and buy things we need when the shelves are empty and I should stay at home to keep others safe? How can I encourage my clients when I, too, am scared at times? How do I keep paying our employees when our work has been cut in half? 

  I like to control my surroundings. I like to determine what my week will be like based on past experiences. And even though I know, ultimately, I am not in control, routine and hard work have always given me a sense of security. I guess one might say a false sense of security. At a time like this, when my routine is thrown out the window, and it’s impossible to work hard when there is so little work to be done, it makes me slow down and remember that TRUE comfort comes in knowing that I don’t have to have all the answers. All I need is enough strength, grace and wisdom to get through today. On the hardest days, it’s hour by hour. 

  Anxiety rushes through my veins like Niagara Falls the moment I begin to think about tomorrow, next week, and next month. I am learning, through constant practice, to bring my thoughts back to the moment I’m in. I don’t know if you are a praying person, or who you pray to, but for me, I pray to Jesus. When I do this, it switches my focus to being thankful for the things I still have. I focus on those that have far less than I. I ask that the few resources I do have be multiplied not only to help my personal needs, but to help others even more. Am I perfect at doing this every time? Nope. But I have resolved to never give up. I will not let my circumstances control my thoughts…at least not for long. 

           

  If you are having anxiety about what is going on through this pandemic, remember that you are not alone. If you do not have anyone to listen, or anyone that you feel would understand, I am here. Breakthroughs was created because I believe NO ONE should have to suffer through loneliness, anxiety, and depression alone. It was created because everyone needs help sometimes. It was created for you. 

            

If you, or someone you know needs help, please contact us. We will help you whether or not you have the resources. Stay strong my friends. Be kind. Get help. Help others.

With all heart, 

Marty

Marty Edwards, LMFT, B. S. Ed.

www.breakthroughsnf.com

Uncertainty

The uncertainty of the current trajectory of our lives due to COVID-19 is stressful for us as adults. However, children are prone to experience this based on what is happening in their homes. Are schedules being kept? Are parents talking about the virus in front of the child? Is there an age-appropriate, open dialogue between parent and child?

To be honest, at times, I feel like screaming into a pillow sometimes because I have no idea what will happen next. Will someone I love get seriously ill? Will my husband lose his job? Will my children be living in the garage any day now because they are driving me nuts? These are normal reactions and feelings. Am I dealing with them appropriately? On most days, yes. On some days, no. On the “no” days, I allow myself time to privately grieve (most likely with a glass of Pinot Grigio). I grieve because I cannot see my clients face to face or laugh with my coworkers. I grieve because I am fearful that my husband will come in contact with the virus at work. I grieve because my 8th grader cannot enjoy the perks of being able to slide at the end of an academic accomplishment. BUT...I snap out of it very quickly because I remember that I am a parent and my job is to make sure that my children are physically and emotionally safe.

So, going back to the first paragraph...Schedules are so important because structure gives children a sense of security. They know what will happen next. This is extremely important during these times because there is so much we don’t know. I enjoy not being woken by an alarm clock as much as the next person, but we need to set the standard for our homes. School hours should be respected. That being said, children should have their same bedtimes. Your children should not be watching Netflix with you at 11 pm. I understand that student course load, parent work schedules and current life events make things challenging. But do you best...that’s all anyone can do.

COVID-19 discussion is happening everywhere. Of course, it is. It feels as though it is dominating our lives. It’s hard not to talk about it when people’s health is involved. I talk to my mom in Pennsylvania or my friends on my daily walks (which have gone from 3.5 miles to 4 to allow for more adult-virus chats). I try not to talk about it when I am with my family because it takes away from our time together and frankly, it stresses everyone out. Everyone knows that it’s happening so no need to reiterate that fact.

Lastly, if your child asks questions about the virus, answer them simply but honestly. For example, if Florida has a Shelter in Place Order, then tell your child that the health officials feel that this is the best way to keep us all safe. If someone you love is ill, be honest with your child but ensure them that the loved one is getting good care. Let your children share their concerns with you.

Most importantly, children will follow your lead. If you are stressed, see paragraph 2. Try to take this crisis one day at a time. And remember, if you need help, just reach out. I am here for you.

Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

www.breakthroughsnf.com

Can We Auto-correct Humanity?

In a workshop that I recently attended entitled, “Training Your Brain to Adopt Healthful Habits,” one of the topics was, Stress Associated with Chronic Inflammation and Disease. As we all know, stress can be brought on by many different factors. Some factors are obvious, and others not so obvious. Loneliness is a feeling we don’t often associate with stress. People in our society are lonelier now more than ever, which is ironic, because social media and technology were supposed to connect us. “No disrespect Mr. Zuckerberg, but Facebook should not be called a social network. It should be called an ANTI-SOCIAL network.” –Prince Ea

Please understand, I am not anti-social media or technology. It is truly vital to my business and career. I enjoy keeping up with friends and family that do not live nearby. However, moderation is key. Overuse can sneakily slip up on us as silent as a panther hunting its’ prey.

I want to share with you an amazing YouTube Video by the rapper Prince Ea. He has crafted his words so beautifully to perfectly describe what we are allowing social media and technology to do to us. And by us, I mean ALL of us…not just children, adolescents, and teenagers. Some of the lyrics in the rap entitled, CAN WE AUTO-CORRECT HUMANITY, really caught my attention. Take time to think about these lyrics, then take time to listen. It is WELL WORTH your time!

• “Did you know the average person spends 4 years of his life looking down at his cell phone?”
• “Touch screens make us lose touch.”
• “Technology has made us more selfish and separate than ever.”
• “We measure our self-worth by numbers of followers and likes.”
• “We’d rather write an angry post instead of actually talking to someone who might hug us.”
• “Can we not have conversation without abbreviation?” (My personal favorite.)
• “No longer do I want to spoil a special moment by recording it with a phone. I don’t want to take a picture of my meals anymore, I’m just going to eat them.”
• “I imagine a world where we smile at low batteries.”

I DARE YOU to listen and let it sink in.

Marty Edwards, LMFT, B. S. Ed.

www.breakthroughsnf.com

Meditation

Meditative techniques have been used for centuries in many cultures. Moreover, there are numerous physiological and psychological benefits to meditation.   For example, studies have shown reduced blood pressure, increased oxygenation and better mental acuity. However, we are often leary of this practice for many reasons.  For example, when we imagine sitting on a floor in a dimly lit room, legs crossed and hands resting in an upward posture on the knees, we feel silly or impostorous. Perhaps, we believe that meditation is rooted in eastern religions and has no place in Christianity.  This could not be farther from the truth.  

We go about our days thinking about what we have to do and where we need to go that we are not present in that particular moment.  While driving our kids to soccer practice or art class, we rarely think about that exact moment in time with our children. When we rush to get dinner on the table, homework completed and bills paid, gentle moments with our spouses and families are lost.   Life’s stressors pull our minds in so many directions that we lose this precious time with those that we love. It is easy to forget that this particular point in time will never return--we will never experience this again. Mindful meditation helps us to stay present.  When we are mentally open to the moment at hand, we connect to those we love.  

Mindful meditation can take place in any quiet environment and it only takes a few minutes.  Sit in a chair and close your eyes. Focus on how the cushions feel on your legs. Congratulations!  You were mindful. Clear your mind of everything except for the word “light”, whatever that word means to you.  Breath deeply and rhythmically. And when your mind wanders (and I guarantee that it will until you are well-practiced), bring it back to “light”. 

Is it easy?  Nope. Can it be done consistently?  You bet. It takes application and determination.  

Meditation allows the light of the Lord to speak to us.  It reminds us that we need to be present and mindful to experience Him.  It helps us to see His light in those we meet and in those we love.  

Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor 

www.breakthroughsnf.com

Don't Throw Me a Parenting Parade

When you hold your beautiful newborn in your arms, you revel in the love that rushes through your veins. You promise to do your very best for your baby. Fast-forward 5 years. Your child is streaking through your house like a maniac, screaming at the top of his lungs while deftly tossing Legos at the dog. You have just worked an 8 hour day, stopped at the dry cleaners, went to get your child from childcare, managed to put something on the table somewhat resembling a meal and now you are dealing with an irate and irrational 5 year old. Your first thought is to hand your child the iPad, grab yourself a bottle of Pinot Grigio (without a glass), flop on the couch and try not to cry. Your second thought is to yell, “I am counting to 5 and you better be in your room or no electronics for the rest of your life”.

Instead of doing either of these, you take a deep breath and acknowledge your child’s emotional state. Look at your child and try to see what his or her behavior is telling you. Perhaps they are overstimulated by something that happened during the day or that they have a stomachache. Or maybe they are drained simply because it’s hard being so new to the world.

I vividly recall an incident that I thought warranted a “parenting parade.” Or a trophy of some type, at least. I was at a supermarket with my then 3 ½ year old daughter. We were having friends over for dinner and I had to grab a few last items. At the end of the cookie isle was a colorful display reading “Halloween Oreos.” My super observant daughter whined that she wanted them. I told her “maybe another time”. She whined for them again. I again said “no” and power walked to the dairy section. My insistent daughter would not let it go. I said “no” emphatically again and this seemed to egg her on. That was all it took. Game on. She started crying and whining simultaneously. I was not going to give in. With a shopping cart of groceries, I told her that we were going to leave if she did not stop. She didn’t stop. Leaving my semi-full cart, I picked her out of the front of the cart seat. Her face was as red as her hair and I carried her out of the store, kicking and screaming. I managed to get to my SUV without dropping her, unlocked the car and put her in her car seat (This was no small feat because she assumed that straight-line back position that only a young toddler can achieve when they don’t want to get into their car seat). I leaned against the car, proud that I did not give in and made good on the consequences of her actions.

Knowing what I know now, I realize that this was not A+ parenting. It was a B-, at best. Yes, I did not give in but I did not think about the underlying cause of her tantrum (other than a possible burgeoning addiction to orange food dye.) She was tired and she missed me. She didn’t want to be tethered to a shopping cart, she wanted to be home. With me. In an environment where she is loved fiercely. What should I have done? When we got to the cookie display and she asked for a package, I should have said, “No. But we can make cookies together tomorrow”. I should have left the store and just ordered pizza for my friends. I should have taken her point of view. To this day, making cookies with my daughter is one of the greatest blessings of my life.

As most adults understand, parenting is difficult. It is beautiful. It is life sustaining and exhausting at the same time. There are no words to describe the love we have for our children. It’s a love that is too big for words. Remember that your child does not have a lot of experience being on this earth, and it’s your job to make sure that they are guided with love and understanding. So after you reunite with your child after several hours apart, read a book together, make a mess in the kitchen, ask Alexa to put on some music and dance like a crazy person with the love of your life.

Linda Gurt, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

www.breakthroughsnf.com

BIG Grief

Why is the sky blue, mommy?

Why was I not chosen for the team, dad?

Why did my parents get divorced?

Why did my dog have to die?

The “why” questions of life never seem to come with easy answers. Let’s be honest. Those questions are hard to answer because most of the time, even WE don’t know why.

As adults, the same questions are twirling around in the funnel cloud of our brains.

We all search for understanding; for ourselves, for others, and especially for our children.

But what happens when a person has limited understanding – a person with special needs?

My friend Noah lost someone very dear a few weeks ago.

He became angry and belligerent.

His obsessive/compulsive behaviors increased.

He became hyper-focused on schedules and routine.

When Noah was asked, tell me what you are feeling, his response was, “I have big grief.”

BIG. GRIEF. Wow, what a great way to explain the feeling of loss. 

I, too, have had big grief. And as hard as it was, and still is, I have natural coping skills that kick in and help me continue my daily work and routines.

My friend’s brain does not have that natural ability.

Similarly, the brains of children and adolescents have not fully developed, and have not learned the coping mechanisms that an adult brain has learned through past experiences and time.

What are some ways we can help children and those with special needs deal with BIG GRIEF?

• Be patient with unexpected outburst. Remain calm and give them time and space. 
• Allow for choices. Rather than: “Put this shirt on.” Try: “Would you like to wear the brown or the green shirt?” Rather than: “Brush your teeth now.” Try: “Would you like to brush your teeth now, or wait until bedtime?” 
• Spend one-on-one time with them doing something they enjoy. Go for ice cream or read a book together.
•  Talk to them on their level, and only when they (and their environment) are calm. Refrain from trying to rationalize or explain when things are chaotic. 
• Use art. Draw/paint feelings and emotions using different materials. Talk about the drawings.
• Refrain from correcting words they use when describing feelings. (Even if it is a word you don’t normally allow them to say.) 
• Remind them, more than usual, of your love. Remind them you are here.

There are many other ways to show love and support to your littles, and to those with special needs, but hopefully these will get you started when you are working through BIG GRIEF.

Marty Edwards, LMFT

www.breakthroughsnf.com